All the Good Advice in the World Doesn’t Make it Easier

It’s been a while since I last blogged.  I’m not sure why.  Perhaps I just pushed all of my emotions under a rug and hoped I could wave a magic wand and make all of them disappear and everything would return to “normal”.  They didn’t.  Everything got…worse.

I started this site as a way to vent my frustrations, sadness, loneliness and every other negative emotions in a way to reach some sort of catharsis.  It felt good to get everything out.  To be able to say all of the things I wanted, no, NEEDED to say that I didn’t want to say to people who knew me.  I didn’t want anyone to know the pain I was going through because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.  The pain was mine to carry.

Last summer my world took a nosedive.  The person I thought I was going to marry ghosted me during a very stressful part of my life.  4 1/2 years together.  Promises of a future together; marriage, kids, etc.  The whole white picket fence dream. Just stopped contacting me.  After a week he came back, but things weren’t the same, I felt it.  We carried on through the beginning of 2018.  Spent the holidays together.  On my end it felt strained and inorganic…like more of running through the motions.  His words weren’t matching his actions.  He was there for me financially, offering to pay for my physical therapy, buy me new tires for my car, even bought me two very expensive tickets to a hockey game so I could see my favorite player’s number retired and raised to the rafters. He still talked about a future and how much he loved me.  Words.  No actions were taken to make things happen.

We had been living 1400 miles apart for nearly 3 years while I finished my Masters degree, with the sole intent of being together once it was completed.  There was always an excuse. We went from visiting every other month to twice a year.  While I was working on my dual theses during my last semester of school I knew visits would be few. We still talked everyday and talked about our future, etc.  This past year has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for me in my relationship with him.  As I mentioned earlier, last summer he ghosted on me. Told me it was him and he was going through things and life was stressful and he needed to get back to feeling normal.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I knew that work was quite stressful with corporate changes and difficult supervisors.  However, you need to manage all areas of your life and put effort into things that matter.

April 2018.  I had enough of the inconsistency between his words and actions and told him that I couldn’t continue on like this anymore.  After numerous attempts to get him to understand the loneliness I was feeling in our relationship, he just turned it around and played the victim.  It was always about him.  He never acknowledged my feelings.  I sent him a long message letting him know that I deserved more, to be treated with respect by the one person I loved.  We didn’t talk for over a month.  I assumed he ghosted again and that was his escape route.  It was like he was waiting on it so that he didn’t have to be the “bad guy”.  He could blame my telling him I needed more as a declaration of ending the relationship (which it wasn’t).  He didn’t tell any of his friends or family.  His mother just happened to reach out to me and I was the one that had to tell her we hadn’t talked in over a month and that I was pretty sure that was his way of breaking up with me, instead of actually breaking up.

May 2018.  Over a month goes by with no contact.  I receive anonymous flowers for Mother’s Day.  I honestly didn’t think he was the sender as I hadn’t heard from him.  10% of me thought it could have been him, but the other 90% thought one of my friends or family members who knew about the situation sent them in an effort to cheer me up and set a tone that someone out there would still find me attractive enough to send flowers to.  No-one confessed to it – it drove me crazy.  Finally my mother let me know she had contacted my ex- and he told her that our hedgehog had sent them.  I waited a day and then sent him a thank you and said I missed him and the only reply I got was “the flowers were from Guillaume”.  Not even a “you’re welcome”.  Is this some sort of sick twisted joke to him???!  Why even send the flowers?!?!?

June 2018. He moved on rather quickly.  Already introduced his family to his new girlfriend.  I was replaced with a much younger girl. The rapidity of this introduction obviously tells me everything I need to know… there had been someone else in the picture for a while… He was waiting for his out!  HOW?!?!  WHO DOES THIS?!?!?  I wasn’t even broken up with.  and you sent me flowers?!?!?  A consolation prize, I guess.  I can’t even stress the shock and betrayal I feel.  I was a part of this family for 4 1/2 years.  Everyone moved on so quickly…EVERYONE.

Why was I so easily replaced?  A couple of friends and my mother have sad this is a tell-all of who HE is, not who I am.  I can’t help but find that ludicrous.  I can’t help but feel like it is me, he left me for another person and didn’t even break up with me.  Am I that bad of a person??  Why was I not even broken up with?  How do people lead others on?  It’s just an onslaught of emotional abuse/torment.  This Valentine’s Day he sent me a gift and my card was handwritten “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”.  WHAT???  Are you serious… you had someone waiting in the wings this entire time and you send that???

It’s really hard to accept advise that even experts give concerning handling a break-up or in this case abandonment.  I know everything heals with time, so long as you are willing to let it go, but right now I can’t even get passed the fact that not even 2 months have gone by that this person is now in my place, not just with him but my other family.  They just moved on too.  I feel completely worthless, devastated, and beyond hurt.  I can’t even think of dating someone else right now.  I have thought about it and it made me sick to my stomach.

Scars…the remains of battles fought.

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“The day I thought I’d never get through, I got over you”

I haven’t blogged in a while.  I got inspired to write a blog today because of an epiphany I had yesterday.  I watched La La Land (movie) and watched how the characters interacted and really felt moved by their relationship.  Yeah, Yeah, I know that Hollywood glamorizes everything and fairy tale relationships do NOT exist.  This relationship though ebbed and flowed like real life.  IT really struck a chord.

For those that haven’t seen it, this is where you should probably stop reading as I am going to discuss the ending.  This ending had such a profound effect on me, that I finally did something brave, bold.  I got a clear sign that I needed in order to move on from the relationship (if you can call it that) after two months of being neglected and made to feel inferior and more of a nuisance than a partner.

In the end, these two had such profound love for each other but knew that where they were in their lives was not on the same page.  After a discussion on where they were, they went their separate ways.  Their separate ways, yet left with dignity and respect and above all, love for one another.  THIS!!  I reflected on this. I was/am completely in love with Mike. I would do anything for him.  I put him before myself. and because of this, I lost focus of who I was/am and how I need to be treated.

What I learned from this movie is that you can always love someone, even for the rest of your life, but that doesn’t mean that person is the right one for you.  And guess what?  It’s ok to love that person.  It’s ok to fall in love with someone other than that person.  What is not ok is to let your needs take a backseat, to let yourself become an afterthought in someone else’s mind, to allow yourself and your emotions to go invalidated.

I saw myself married, with a family with Mike.  We even had several talks about it and I thought we were on the same page.  Maybe we were, but we were on different timelines. After my divorce, I told myself I wouldn’t give up on someone who I loved so dearly.  I told myself broken things can be fixed and if they are of value you should try to fix them and not throw them away.  So I stayed in my marriage and in my recent relationship hoping to fix everything that was wrong.  I realized in both instances, I was doing all of the work to fix what was broken and the only thing that resulted – a broken and worn down ME.  One person can’t save a relationship.  Two people have to share in the value of the relationship and want things to work.  One person can’t check out and neglect the other.

That’s what happened to me.  He checked out.  I wanted nothing more than to fix it, I still do, but not at the expense of my sanity and dignity.  I deserve someone who wants to talk to me, include me in their life, makes me a priority.  After all, that’s what I give in a relationship.  A person’s time is valuable and shouldn’t be wasted.  Life is too short to play games that can never be won, to be with someone who constantly makes you feel less of a person who devalues your worth.  Now, I won’t say that Mike never cared for me, or that he is a bad person, but something happened – something he won’t talk about – that put this rift in our relationship.  I’d be willing to give him space and time if I saw some improvement, but after 2 months there has been no change in his treatment of me, no effort to make things better, no effort to keep me around.  SO I have to do what’s right for me now.  Not whats right for us.  I tried.  I really did, but I can’t take the pain of feeling like i don’t matter in this person’s life.

I’m afraid of what my future will be.  Will I get the husband and the family I want? Will I be alone?  I had to reflect on this.  Even though I am/was in a relationship with Mike, I was completely, desperately – alone.  That’s not a relationship and it’s definitely not how I want to end up.  WHat’s worse?  Staying in an unfulfilled relationship, unhappy and lonely, or giving love another shot?  I stand the chance of being alone and unhappy either way, but if I don’t choose to put myself out there, I’ll never change my circumstances.  I have to invest in myself and make an effort to make a future for me that will open up possibilities of finding that one person that will build a life based on mutual respect and friendship, and most of all unrequited, unconditional love.

I’ll always love Mike, but it’s now time to love myself more.

fairytale

 

Daughtry – I Got Over You

“It will be a good day”

Hurricanes.

300px-Hurricane_Isabel_from_ISS

Destructive forces of nature that rip through causing destruction in many cases leading to renewal and a metaphor for my life.

First, I do not make light of the destruction and chaos these storms leave behind.  I have lived in the state of Florida for 32 years.  I have been very fortunate to have not had any major devastation affect me nor my family.  I have suffered minor inconveniences but have no complaints and feel very fortunate to have not experienced first-hand the wrath of these powerful beasts of nature.

As I evacuated Florida during hurricane Irma, I took with me physical and emotional baggage.  My decision to leave my house was due mostly in part to my proneness to anxiety and panic.  I let the “what ifs” get the best of me and worked myself into a panic about staying here, alone and frightened.  With all of the drama my life is throwing at me the last thing that I needed was to be completely alone with my thoughts, in the middle of whirling winds and torrential rainfall – isolated from the rest of the world.  I packed up my hedgehog and headed to Mississippi.

As devastating as hurricanes are, I can’t help but think of the beauty that can be found in the thought of renewal, from scratch and how that can be a way to gain new perspective and to rebuild a newer, better life.  I’m not saying that I wish a hurricane would physically destroy my world, God NO.  If I look at a hurricane from a metaphorical 3csperspective I see the beauty.  When your life is in turmoil and there seems to be no way out of the drudgery that has become a lifeless,  meaningless existence, starting fresh seems like a viable option.

In my studies at university, I have heard many times that change is an active process, not a passive one.  Individuals need to choose to partake in change – we can’t just sit idly and wait for change because everything around us may change, but we stay the same unless we choose to change with the tides.  My favorite hockey team has a motto hanging on the door of their dressing room that says “Choose everyday: Get better, Get worse, stay the same”.  It is our choice.  I often wonder why people choose to stay the same or get worse instead of getting better.  I find myself in this scenario now with everything going on in my life.  I know that if life circumstances have repeated themselves it becomes a norm or a habit to be a certain way or to trust in certain circumstances that seem to plague our existence.

Individuals who experience abuse in relationships often bounce between abusive relationships because it is “comfortable”.  I’m not saying people enjoy being abused, but if that’s all that they know or reference as “love” it becomes an emotional safety blanket.  We tend to continue in things that are familiar or comfortable.  We tell ourselves we can handle the abuse and that it’s done because they love us.  Of course this is an incorrect mindset, but when people start to get treated the way that they should be treated they get a sense of fear that something is wrong, like there is a hidden agenda or motif behind the kindness.  How many of us have questioned the motives of others when they do something that we know to be out of character?  Most instances we choose to stay in things that are comfortable and put up with whatever the situation brings because we are afraid to make changes.  Change is necessary.  Change is scary.  Change is inevitable.change

Giving others advice seems to flow like a fresh new spring out of the mouths of everyone, however as much as we can give great advice to others, we never seem to take the advice and apply it to ourselves.  As a psychology graduate (neuropsych/cognitive psych), I understand the importance of great advice and that power comes from within (for the most part). We are dealt hands in life, some favorable and some not so much.  It’s how we play these hands that matters.  HomePokerGamesThere are some expert poker players that have made big wins through the art of bluffing and betting big on a simple pair or high card.  It’s a chance they take.  It’s their choice.  It is our individual choice that allows us to have control over ourselves.  We can’t control what others do, but we can control our reactions to them.  We can choose to allow the storm to destroy us or make us stronger.

I want to take my advice and play the hand I’ve been dealt and bet on myself.  Bet that I can make the changes necessary to regain control over my happiness and not let circumstances dictate whether or not I am happy. Bad things WILL happen, but I choose to get better everyday.  A better me is a better world. The goal of life is to leave this world a better place than the day before and that takes each of us choosing to be better everyday, even if being better means small baby steps each day. happiness

 

My choice of song today really makes me feel like hope is the best medicine for change.  Be hopeful that tomorrow brings a longer ray of sunshine.

Yes – It Will Be A Good Day

Lyrics:

Golden forest golden lake
Sanctuary, state of grace
I will find reason a place to begin
It will be a good day

Beginning is one place I’ve been before
Watching the sunrise on the silver shores
Setting me free again leading the way
It will be a good day

Sometimes I forget
How mighty this earth
Astounding winter skies
Truth is in birth
Peace that it brings to me, my naked eyes
Be a good day

Make me believe again
Making me free again
Making me see again

Golden mountains golden seas
A thousand reasons singing to me
Alive to this message
Realizing it all
Be a good day

Learning to listen learning to see
Learning is power making me free
Free to believe again in my human side
Giving me good reason
Giving me good reason

Make me believe again
(Destiny)
(Take the river)
Making me free again
(To the sea)

Making me see again
(Will be free)

Like a river

Time feels so much closer now
You are with me, so real

We make our own heaven
Clear through the sky
The making of reason for you and I
I sing of each season
Making us feel
This will be a good day
This will be a good day

Make me believe again
(Destiny)

Making me free again
(To the sea)
(Come tomorrow)
Making me see again
(Destiny)
Like a river to the sea

Make me believe again
Making me free again
(Come tomorrow)
Making me see again
(Destiny)

Making me free again
(To the sea)

Making me see again
(Take the river)
(Come tomorrow)
(Destiny)
(Take the river)
(To the sea)

#hurricane#renewal#happiness#choice

“I don’t have a choice, but I still choose you”

How is it possible we can love someone even though we know this person isn’t right for us?  How can we look at another person who has done us wrong and think “I Love YOU“. How can we go on not knowing what happened?

Abandoned.abandonned1

What does that say about me?  Does it say I am incapable of being loved?  Does it say I am unworthy? Does it say I did something wrong?

The law of probability measures the likelihood of an event happening.  Is abandonment a part of my genetic makeup?  Am I defective?  Are the odds against me?  The likelihood that something will occur relies on a common denominator or factor that exists influencing certain outcomes.  I can’t help but feel that I am that common factor in my relationships.  Maybe I am unworthy or incapable of love.probability

When I look at my life, I have only had two long-term relationships – my failed marriage of 15 years and my long-term 4-year romance.  Each ended with my partner deserting me.  Abandoning me.  Throwing me away like trash.  How does this make me feel?  I am the only factor that is existent in both relationships.  I can’t help but feel like everything is my fault.  One failed relationship revealed every aspect and way that I failed him, the there just decided to disappear.  Each in its own way spoke volumes on who I am as a person.  In one, I was just a huge disappointment, the other – a big waste of time best left as a whispered bed-time story.

I know people will tell me that this speaks clearly about the character of the men too.  I want to believe that it isn’t all my fault.  It’s hard. character I know people will tell me that now os the time to reflect on my feelings and figure out how to “fix” me.  If anything is wrong with me, then I need to figure it out, address it, and rebuild myself – anew.

I want to HATE these men who have hurt me.  I want to scream and yell at them.  I want to punch walls.  I want to cry and eat a gallon (yes a gallon) of ice cream.  I want them to hurt as much as I do. I want them to see my wounds, feel the pain, understand how their behavior and treatment of me will affect me now and in the future.  I have no trust.  How can I?  I placed my trust in them knowing very well I left myself exposed, vulnerable.  I went in with eyes and heart wide open, believing in the false words, the broken promises, and the goodness of humankind. I was robbed…of my trust, my heart, and my peace of mind.

When the dust settles, and my emotions are regulated, I will once again think rationally, like the intelligent human being that I am.  I will allow myself to process that some things are left unanswered for a reason.  Human behavior isn’t an exact science, it’s only postulate theories of why things occur based on observations.  One theory doesn’t hold true for each and every circumstance.  Maybe that’s why it’s not a great idea to understand the WHY.  Maybe that’s why they wrote the song, ‘Let It Go’ (I’ll spare you the audible meme – you’re welcome). let it go

The sad truth, I don’t hate them.  The pathetic truth, I still want my currently turmoiled relationship to work.  Call me a glutton for punishment.  Call me daft.  Call me my own worst enemy.  I honestly believe that all things have to be given a chance to work out.  What ever happened to working through problems?  What is so wrong with having old-fashioned values? throw awayWhy are we ok with just throwing our hands up and saying “F&$# IT!” All this being written, I do understand that when things aren’t right, they aren’t right.  When one part of the relationship doesn’t want to be in it, there is no changing their mind, nor should you exhaust all of your energy fighting for a lost cause. Abuse, in whatever form it manifests, is never acceptable.

I need to come to terms with the fact that what I want and what I need are completely separate paths and I must take the road less travelled – the one that leads me to a difficult place.  Being alone, being afraid, and being uncertain.  I MUST take this path if I ever want to reach a safe place, a place where I can be me, where I can find happiness, where I can be free.  Free from emotional torment, free from neglect, free from chains that bind me to negative situations and repeated patterns.  road

He made his choice, without me, without even telling me.   His actions spoke the loudest. Even though he chose a path without me, I still choose him.   I still choose to see the good that drew me to him.  I still choose to believe he had the best intentions.  I choose to believe this is his issue – not mine.  I choose to love him even when he is at his worst.  I choose to forgive but never forget.  I choose to invest in myself and to love myself. Most of all, I choose to be free.

The Civil Wars – Poison & Wine

“Stay awhile, and maybe then you’ll see a different side of me”

voicesI am so confused right now.  IT’s like a million voices in my head yelling at once.  All screaming at me to listen to their point of view.  All of this in order to make sense of something I can NEVER make sense of. I can only imagine this is what detectives go through when they can’t find the missing piece to a puzzle to solve a crime.

I returned to university to seek a degree in Psychology, mostly to try to understand people.  Why we do the things we do, why we are who we are…answers to existence and life and interactions.  The eternal childhood question of “WHY?!?!”  I am beginning to think it was just easier to process my parents’ responses of “Because, I said so”.  As a child this answer annoyed me.  I guess that’s why I kept asking why.  As an adult, I want so much for BECAUSE to answer everything.  This way I wouldn’t analyze everything, nothing would be an issue, things would just be…BECAUSE.  because.png

I had a professor who often wore this shirt that read “Ignorance is bliss when the truth is hard to hear“.  This sounds great and it’s definitely a valid statement.  What we don’t know can’t hurt us, right?  In some cases, yes.  Others, no.  Dealing with unanswered questions, being blind-sided by something you NEVER saw coming allows ignorance to overwhelm you and consume your very being. Ignorance – the state of not knowing.  Some times you have to know before you can move on, before you can grow, before you can again be … you.

I’m not myself right now…maybe I’ve never even known who the real me is.  I’ve battled low-self-esteem and depression since I was 8 years old.  Isn’t it crazy to think that a memory from over 30 years ago can play so vividly in your mind and influence every little thing in your life.  I learned a very long time ago how ugly I was to the world.  Two boys on a playground saying “throw rocks at the ugly one”.  I remember their names, their faces, and above all the memory of that day as if it happened to me yesterday.   I think that day the world taught me that I wasn’t good enough.

Quotes_b2718c_5813759

Fast  forward to an adult me…

All of my life I have been striving to be someone better than who I am – pursuit of perfection.  It’s like living in a shell of yourself.  Hearing people tell you what a great person you are, how intelligent you are, and a lot of other adjectives that describe who I want to be.  If that is who people see me as, then why don’t I see it??

As I sat listening to my ex-husband tell me why he wanted a divorce the last words he ever said to me were, “You were a big disappointment“. Going through the grief stage of a break-up is never fun, and the anger stage is even worse.  I was so angry when he abandoned me, not so much because he abandoned me after 15 years, but angry that I didn’t stick up for myself…that I didn’t fight back.  A DISAPPOINTMENT?!?!  ME?!?!?!  WHAT ABOUT YOU?!?!?!

I sat there and took it from him, all the reasons I was a disappointment, the ways I failed as a wife.  What about you, sir?!?!  You carried on an affair for most of our relationship…with your ex-girlfriend!  Yeah, I had signs early, like 3 years into our relationship.  I asked about it and he said the contact he had with her was because he was making amends for the way he treated her.  I can understand that and respect that…that’s a one-time conversation and then no contact needs to be had.  How about the paintimes you verbally abused me calling me “stupid”.  STUPID?!?!  I hold 4 college degrees with Honors credentials on all 4…STUPID?!?!  What about the time you would push me to get out of the way instead of simply saying “excuse me”?!?!  The list goes on and on.  If I was a disappointment, then so was he.  Instead of telling him everything he “did” wrong, I left with dignity.  I packed my things and moved out and filed for divorce.  Yeah, me, I filed for divorce, not him.  He dragged it along to the point where it made no sense why he was prolonging the inevitable.  Today, I face the similar feeling of being dragged along…ghosted by yet another man who I put complete trust in.

So here I am, an adult, armed with much more information and battle scars that should have allowed me to be prepared for any thing that comes my way.  So why is the experience of an 8-year old little girl still influencing the 42-year old woman?

  • BECAUSE…  I haven’t learned to accept who I am and the wonderful person others see.
  • BECAUSE… I haven’t forgiven myself for NOT being perfect.
  • BECAUSE… I refuse to see the beauty that is me… all of my imperfections, all of my shortcomings, all of my failures.
  • BECAUSE… I don’t see the beauty in being different, for being unique, for being ME.
  • BECAUSE… No one else has the right to determine my worth, yet I can’t let myself believe it.
  • BECAUSE... The world isn’t fair… but I’m not the only who gets dealt a bad hand.
  • BECAUSE… I haven’t let go of the mindset that tells me I don’t matter.

Dear 8-year old me,

You are good enough.  You are beautiful. Life is more difficult than you can ever imagine and it is greater than you.  You can not control nor prevent what others do, BUT you can control your reaction to it.    You will do many great things.  You will experience joy, pain, contempt, sadness, disgust, love, and confusion.  You will have people enter and leave your life, but you know what?  You will learn.  You will live!  You will have an impact on someone’s life, even if you never know that you did.  God made you…YOU and He makes no mistakes.  You are perfect in your imperfections.  

Sincerely,  Your 42-year old self 


Dear adult me,

Forget about the past.  It’s the past for a reason.  Take a good look at yourself.  Have you persevered?  Are you still here fighting the good fight?  Do you still love unconditionally?  Do you still hope for a brighter future? At the end of the day, can you say that you did your part to leave this world in a better place than it was when you woke up? You are not alone. You are not a disappointment.  You are worthy.  Walk away from all things that make you doubt yourself, that make you hate yourself, that tear you down.  

It’s ok to feel… Let yourself feel.  Let yourself laugh, grieve, be angry, love intensely. DON’T stop being you.  YOU MATTER. And the right person is going to never let you feel anything less than loved, respected, and that you are the best thing to ever happen to them.  DON’T give up because some people have insecurities of their own.  YOU be the best YOU that you can be. 

Sincerely, Yourself – interrupted

 

p.s.  Read this over and over and over again until you BELIEVE it.  Then, read it again for as long as it takes.


 

be kind

Matchbox 20 – Unwell

#why?#loveyourself#forgetthepast#live#breathe

 

Real Life Living Ghosts

ghosts

BOO!

OK so not that kind of ghost.  My blog today is about those individuals who leave your life without a trace.  Now, I may be a middle-aged woman, but I do understand the commonly used urban dictionary terms present in pop culture today.

Ghosting” otherwise known as the slow fade break up.  Just in case you aren’t familiar with the term, ghosting refers to the sudden and unexplained stopping of communication in effort to dispose of or end a relationship.  Seems like a pretty immature, cowardly way to handle a relationship.  Trying to understand this phenomenon a little more, I started investigating how prominent this was.

ghoststats

These charts were taken from The Huffington Post and although they do not seem as daunting as I would have imagined, this is only one source.  Looking at these percentages I wonder why we as a society are OK with this sociopathic behavior?!?  I get it, break-ups are never easy, well maybe for the truly cruel at heart.  Avoidance of difficult conversations is a common tactic for individuals who lack the emotional intelligence and empathy to be able to have a difficult conversation in a caring manner.  The ghosting party is hoping the other person will get the hint and no word will even need to be spoken. This allows the ghost not to have to bear responsibility for the heartache and onslaught of confusion and questions the ghostee may have.  It’s cowardly. It’s disrespectful. It’s deceitful and it’s downright inhumane.

Now, ok, relationships that consist of a date or two may seem OK to ghost on, but what about long-term relationships?!?!?!  What is the right way to end a long-term relationship that has had numerous talks about moving the relationship towards marriage, kids, etc.?

Enter my story of the man-child.

man-child-y-u-no-act-like-manIt was a Tuesday evening.  I had been taking a break from social media but decided to pop on Facebook for a second.  Usual vanity abounds, ‘Stephanie’ posted another selfie to solicit compliments, ‘Chris’ is woe is me about his life, Meg and Tony having another baby, cat video, memes about Game of Thrones (I enjoy these), and quiz results of how ‘Tom’s’ spirit animal is a frog.  Yeah, I’m done, time to go on another Facebook sabbatical.  Until… Wait…WHAT?!?!  ‘ in a relationship with “NO NAME”.  It’s gone….
Yes, I have fallen victim to a Facebook break-up and wasn’t even told!  After 4 years of being together…I am single because Facebook says so.

shocked gif
WHAT? WHY?!?

I was shocked!  I was confused!  I was… Panicked!!!  What the? Who the? What’s happening?  WHY?!?!?!  Does this really happen to middle-aged people?!?!

 

Ok, Maybe you need a little back story here.  I’ve been dating someone for 4 years.  Seemed like the relationship was going somewhere.  Talks of marriage, kids, the future etc.  This man seemed like everything I had been waiting for (even considering I had been married before).  This guy was my best friend.  The dynamic was so complimentary to each other – me the Type A; he the Type B – we balanced each other out.

After meeting each other, he decided to move to my town to start a relationship together.  After 14 months of being together (10 months living together with no issues), he loses his job here and withdraws from me.  Alienating me in my own house. It was brutal.  He was depressed, withdrawn, non-communicative.  I tried to reach out, he said nothing was wrong. After a trip home for Thanksgiving, he comes back to tell me he is moving home.  I wanted answers, what happened?  I got the ‘it’s not you, it’s me, I can’t adjust here, I don’t like it here. I still want to be together and make this work, but I can’t stay here.  I need to find myself again”. So we embarked on a long-distance relationship.  Trips for both of us, visiting, trying to make things work.  Let’s call this brief pulling away Episode 1.

I gave everything into this relationship.  I tried so hard to do things right this time. Determined to be a better partner than I had been in my previous marriage (not that I think I was a bad partner – I’ll save that story for another blog). I was determined to be completely supportive – often leaving me giving in way too much.  We had such a great partnership.

Famc5JBEpisode 2

SO, now you have a little back history.  Grab a snack. Here is a real-live ghost story.

At the beginning of August trouble started brewing.  I had gotten a job opportunity to move to be with him, finally (graduated with my Masters).  When I asked him if he was ready for me to move up I got this text…Screen Shot 2017-08-27 at 12.03.35 PM

OK… so now, after 4 years you are concerned you won’t have time for me?!?!  Interesting…  What does the text even mean?!!  I asked if this was his way of saying he needed a <<cringe>> break.  He said no and that’s not what his text was supposed to read.

UH oh RAGGY!!!scoobycreepycastle

So two weeks ago he starts the ghosting routine.  One night we are having a conversation and he seems distant…tells me he had a couple of conversations with clients at work that have him all “f$#@ed up” and he is confused and can’t come up with clear thoughts to tell me what these talks were about.  After a week of telling me these things our communication starts to dwindle and he says “I don’t want to talk about it because I need to figure this out on my own”.

I didn’t hear from him for two days.  Then there was sporadic, random, minimal interactions.  Then the Facebook atrocity.   I hadn’t heard from him, nor did I reach out to him for two days prior to this.  I texted my mother, his mother, and my best friends and said “We broke up.  I found out from Facebook.  He didn’t even tell me.  Just deleted the relationship from Facebook.  BAM… DONE!  He’s a single man and I am the idiot fool that’s been humiliated, destroyed, and left confused as to what happened.

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I tried to call him, went straight to VM (sure sign I’ve been blocked), so on a whim, I sent a text. My mother sent a text.  “I don’t know what I did.  You could have at least TOLD me”.   Meanwhile, I am in hysterics on the phone with my best friend … I can’t breathe much less form any coherent sentences…just flabbergasted, not because it’s “official” but because this is how he chose to end it…after 4 years… This is how little he thought of me, how little he cared for me.  After giving him every opportunity to tell me he wanted out, bluntly asking him if he is done with the relationship, if he’s met someone else, if he doesn’t want to get married after all… then…it happened…  he sent a reply..Ellipsis_3032060b

I hadn’t been blocked…??  His reply, “You didn’t do anything. Why is your mom texting me?”

I told him because you broke up with me and didn’t even tell me. Told him I noticed our relationship disappeared…he denied deleting it.  I kept asking him to be honest and he kept denying it… saying he must have been hacked…  yeah ok…  I don’t undertsand, you deleted the relationship, if you didn’t want to have to talk about it, why did you text back?  You know you did it.  You know you are done with the relationship, so why are you still contacting me or even trying to comfort me that you didn’t do it and you still want to be with me?!?  CRUEL.  HEARTLESS. IMMATURE.

He professed his love for me and said we were still very much in a relationship on his end.  He still is not communicating every day and just sending a good morning text every other day or so.  We are broken up… I know this in my heart.  He just doesn’t have the balls to do it.  He can’t be a MAN, and end this…for whatever reason…so he chooses to GHOST.

This is Why Ghosting Hurts So much

I deserve better… I deserve a MAN who is always honest, one who has the dignity to end a relationship quickly.  What this man-child is doing is emotionally torturing.  The effects of this ill-behaving, self-serving sociopath have left scars of distrust that won’t easily heal.  Breaking up is never easy… NEVER.  It should be done with dignity and mutual respect.  Yes, I will survive, yes things will get better, yes there is someone out there better suited for me.  BUT… now I have to sift through the myriad of “red flags” to figure out what went wrong, what I did, why wasn’t I worthy of a straight forward break-up.

ghosting

TO BE CONTINUED…

Musical therapy…  John Mayer – Say

#ghosting#slowfade#man-child#saywhatyouneedtosay

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth”

Your Value

As a middle-aged woman, divorced and child-less, I often find myself contemplating my value.  Do I even matter? What do I have to offer the world? What is the purpose of my life?  What have I accomplished or done in my life that I can place value on?

Society has placed such emphasis on having the perfect life – the perfect husband, the perfect child, the perfect job, the perfect house…blah, blah, blah. It paints the pretty fairy tale-esque picture that the we are supposed to strive for and if that doesn’t happen it leaves us feeling like failures.  Why?

I decided to start this blog as a type of therapy, catharsis if you will.  I, like many of you, have had struggles in my life.  I spent 15 years with the wrong man, tried the circus known as on-line dating (deplorable experience which I’ll save for another blog), battled debilitating depression, wasted another 4 years with a man-child, and sacrificed my own happiness to make others happy.  I truly am a person who wants to see others happy and will go to great lengths to make sure that they are, even if I am not. That’s my mistake.  I valued the happiness of everyone else over my own happiness.  I valued everyone but myself!!

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I allowed people to take advantage of my kindness and my generosity because I felt valued.  So I thought. Now, I’m not asserting that everyone in my life devalues me or takes my efforts for granted, but it’s those moments of negativity that leave scars that are hard to erase. I still don’t know what my value is (only some serious soul searching can help to figure this out), but I can tell you what it feels like not to be valued.

When someone refuses to meet you half way or to even meet your needs.

This is a very eye-opening experience.  How many of us have sacrificed our feelings and needs in compromise, only to find the other person unwilling to meet you half-way or to even compromise?  Relationships are about compromise – fairly.  I have learned that someone who truly values you understands that your needs are just as important and should be taken seriously and not discarded.  Active listening skills are so underutilized in today’s society.  How many of us actually “listen” to others and hear what is being said, process it, regurgitate it for clarity, and just sit there willing to be a sounding board?  It’s not about giving someone answers, it’s not about “fixing” the issue for us, it’s about supporting the other person.

• When nothing you do for someone is “good” enough.

expectations

This is a sensitive topic.  I realize one of my shortcomings in relationships – romantic or platonic – have been that I allow people to make me feel like I am not good enough.  This started with my ex-husband.  Some of his last words to me were “you never lived up to my expectations as a wife”.  This hit me hard.  As a person who has suffered from low-self-esteem for all of her life to hear this from the one person who was supposed to love, protect, and build me up, I was devastated.  I failed.  Or so I thought.  Love doesn’t have expectations.  It’s an unconditional expression of gratitude.  It’s the purest, most vulnerable trait humans possess.  It brings out the best of us. Use it with care!

• Being treated like a second-class citizen in your relationships.

This reminds me of the parenting philosophy of ‘children are seen and not heard’.  Have you ever just felt like your sole existence in someone’s life is just so that they can say they have someone?  Or that the only reason they keep you around is for what they can get from you or have you do for them?  This type of relationship sees one party being the servant and catering to the will and demand of the other in order to make them look good or to make them happy, often leaving said party to feel devalued.  pick me

Ooooh…Pick me, pick me!!  Yes, I fell prey to this abusive behavior as well.  I thought it made me feel loved and that this person sort of relied on me.  HA!  Relied is not the right word, more like took advantage and used me.

Relationships are supportive structures that bring out the best in two people.  Two individuals building a life and sharing goals and values. Yes, I do believe healthy relationships need time for oneself, so I am not saying the relationship is the sole identity.  It’s a triad – my life, your life, our life – all intricately interwoven into a mutual existence and acceptance of each other built on trust and sincere care for each other’s well being.

• Competition when there is no need. 

Ok this one might seem a bit strange.  After all a little competition is good, right?  Well of course.  Humans are competitive by nature. Goes back to our instinct of survival – be the best or become extinct.
competitionSo when does competition become a bad thing?  I recently broke up with someone who continually strived to one-up me, but instead of one-upping me with positive things, he was determined to one-up me with negative things.  Asking how my day went was always a contest.  Instead of actively listening to me describe my day’s misadventures, it became a ‘well my day was worse…’ competition.  There was never any condolence offered for my horrid, atrocious work day, only a ‘well I got you beat’ reciprocation. Wait! What?  Ok well I guess you win then. I’ll just sit on the other side of this conversation thinking …

huh

 

So, what is the take away from this blog?  Never let someone else determine your worth.

When I do feel unworthy, undervalued I like to listen to this song by Alanis Morissette.  It brings things into perspective and reminds me of who I am and how I feel about things.  Music tends to say the things we most want to express.  So enjoy.

Alanis Morissette – So Unsexy

#value#relationships#knowyourworth