It’s been a while since I last blogged. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I just pushed all of my emotions under a rug and hoped I could wave a magic wand and make all of them disappear and everything would return to “normal”. They didn’t. Everything got…worse.
I started this site as a way to vent my frustrations, sadness, loneliness and every other negative emotions in a way to reach some sort of catharsis. It felt good to get everything out. To be able to say all of the things I wanted, no, NEEDED to say that I didn’t want to say to people who knew me. I didn’t want anyone to know the pain I was going through because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. The pain was mine to carry.
Last summer my world took a nosedive. The person I thought I was going to marry ghosted me during a very stressful part of my life. 4 1/2 years together. Promises of a future together; marriage, kids, etc. The whole white picket fence dream. Just stopped contacting me. After a week he came back, but things weren’t the same, I felt it. We carried on through the beginning of 2018. Spent the holidays together. On my end it felt strained and inorganic…like more of running through the motions. His words weren’t matching his actions. He was there for me financially, offering to pay for my physical therapy, buy me new tires for my car, even bought me two very expensive tickets to a hockey game so I could see my favorite player’s number retired and raised to the rafters. He still talked about a future and how much he loved me. Words. No actions were taken to make things happen.
We had been living 1400 miles apart for nearly 3 years while I finished my Masters degree, with the sole intent of being together once it was completed. There was always an excuse. We went from visiting every other month to twice a year. While I was working on my dual theses during my last semester of school I knew visits would be few. We still talked everyday and talked about our future, etc. This past year has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for me in my relationship with him. As I mentioned earlier, last summer he ghosted on me. Told me it was him and he was going through things and life was stressful and he needed to get back to feeling normal. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I knew that work was quite stressful with corporate changes and difficult supervisors. However, you need to manage all areas of your life and put effort into things that matter.
April 2018. I had enough of the inconsistency between his words and actions and told him that I couldn’t continue on like this anymore. After numerous attempts to get him to understand the loneliness I was feeling in our relationship, he just turned it around and played the victim. It was always about him. He never acknowledged my feelings. I sent him a long message letting him know that I deserved more, to be treated with respect by the one person I loved. We didn’t talk for over a month. I assumed he ghosted again and that was his escape route. It was like he was waiting on it so that he didn’t have to be the “bad guy”. He could blame my telling him I needed more as a declaration of ending the relationship (which it wasn’t). He didn’t tell any of his friends or family. His mother just happened to reach out to me and I was the one that had to tell her we hadn’t talked in over a month and that I was pretty sure that was his way of breaking up with me, instead of actually breaking up.
May 2018. Over a month goes by with no contact. I receive anonymous flowers for Mother’s Day. I honestly didn’t think he was the sender as I hadn’t heard from him. 10% of me thought it could have been him, but the other 90% thought one of my friends or family members who knew about the situation sent them in an effort to cheer me up and set a tone that someone out there would still find me attractive enough to send flowers to. No-one confessed to it – it drove me crazy. Finally my mother let me know she had contacted my ex- and he told her that our hedgehog had sent them. I waited a day and then sent him a thank you and said I missed him and the only reply I got was “the flowers were from Guillaume”. Not even a “you’re welcome”. Is this some sort of sick twisted joke to him???! Why even send the flowers?!?!?
June 2018. He moved on rather quickly. Already introduced his family to his new girlfriend. I was replaced with a much younger girl. The rapidity of this introduction obviously tells me everything I need to know… there had been someone else in the picture for a while… He was waiting for his out! HOW?!?! WHO DOES THIS?!?!? I wasn’t even broken up with. and you sent me flowers?!?!? A consolation prize, I guess. I can’t even stress the shock and betrayal I feel. I was a part of this family for 4 1/2 years. Everyone moved on so quickly…EVERYONE.
Why was I so easily replaced? A couple of friends and my mother have sad this is a tell-all of who HE is, not who I am. I can’t help but find that ludicrous. I can’t help but feel like it is me, he left me for another person and didn’t even break up with me. Am I that bad of a person?? Why was I not even broken up with? How do people lead others on? It’s just an onslaught of emotional abuse/torment. This Valentine’s Day he sent me a gift and my card was handwritten “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”. WHAT??? Are you serious… you had someone waiting in the wings this entire time and you send that???
It’s really hard to accept advise that even experts give concerning handling a break-up or in this case abandonment. I know everything heals with time, so long as you are willing to let it go, but right now I can’t even get passed the fact that not even 2 months have gone by that this person is now in my place, not just with him but my other family. They just moved on too. I feel completely worthless, devastated, and beyond hurt. I can’t even think of dating someone else right now. I have thought about it and it made me sick to my stomach.
Scars…the remains of battles fought.